And Now For Something Completely Identical! or: The Extra 'A' is for 'Awful.'

Beer: Saku Originaal

Brewery: Saku (Harjumaa, Estonia)

Type: Pale Lager

ABV: 4.6

After a successful tasting of a foreign, hard-to-pronounce lager from yet another country-that-isn't-known-for-its-beer (Turkey's Efes Pilsner), I decided to finally try some of those strange looking brews the LCBO has decided to carry on its shelves for some reason.   These are those cans that feature bizarre labels with names possibly written in Cyrillic that look like they come from a country that has experienced a flower-named revolution in the last ten years.  Lezask, Tyskie, Slavutich, Ochakovo - those fun characters.  So far, I've had moderate-to-dismal success with these brews - Poland's Warka Strong was a decent strong lager, while Bosnia's Nektar was an unholy mess.  But, with the decent flavors and average character of Efes Pilsner fresh in my memory, I figured I'd give another one a go, this one in particular adding a new country to my list of countries-I've-had-beer-from.

Like many of these former Soviet republics, I don't know a lot about Estonia - other than the fact that their flag looks like it was designed by Columbia Sportswear and that they seem to be pretty good at skiing and shooting, which probably means I shouldn't piss them off until I finish my top-secret desert base (target completion date: August, 2012 - you know why...).  Now, Estonia actually has a pretty lengthy history with brewing, having tinkered with the beverage for over a thousand years.

You wouldn't know it with this beer, I'll say that much.  This stuff was bloody awful.

Poured into a lager glass.  Like most of these imported lagers, the brew's appearance will be hit or miss, depending upon the quality of the brewing and the conditions of its travel.  In this case, Saku was a hit - light golden, visible carbonation, frothy head and decent lacing.  

Thus concludes the positive attributes I will bestow upon Saku Originaal.

The nose is sweet and corny, which is not something I look for in any product except for sweet corn.  If there was any hop extract or malted barley present in this beer, it has long since been washed out. 

Then there's the taste, which consists principally of two basic elements: corn, and nothing.  Actually, scratch that - there is, in fact, a third flavor that I'm getting now, and that's an astringent metallic tinnyess that has proceeded to assault my tastebuds with every sip.  At least Budweiser and Molson have done their customers the courtesy of attempting to mask their corn/rice adjunct flavors with some sort of hops or malted grain; Saku didn't have time for all that - there's biathlons to win.  This beer is like eating a stale cob of corn that was wrapped in tinfoil to keep it warm, except I accidentally bite into the tin foil which gets caught in my teeth, and then the cob of corn starts punching me because of some perceived slight.  And then it starts raining and I find that my car has been stolen.

Two thirds of the way through the can and I've had enough.  I could waste my time with the rest of this brew, but I have three cans of Creemore and a bottle of Aventinus Weizenbock in the fridge, which would be a far better use of my time / caloric intake.  Down the sink it goes...

I may have successfully added another beer country to the list, but it comes at the expense of my tastebuds who weren't prepared for such a brutal experience.  At two bucks a can, I might as well have spent it on Labatt's Blue or Molson Canadian, because at least I'd be supporting Canadian (kinda) industries.   PBR and Old Milwaukee are boring brews, but at least they aren't offensive.  Saku Origniaal starts with corn and ends with eww.  Avoid it like the plague.  (Grade: D-)

Fool Me Once, Shame on Me

Sometimes, breweries just...well, fuck up. Somewhere, in their slate of beer offerings, is a monumental failure, a project that simply did not work. Even brewers with exceptional skill and craftsmanship are going to make mistakes now and then. It's not a big deal: brewing should be about experimentation and diversity, and every brewer needs to know what doesn't work so he can discover what does work. It only becomes a problem when your dud becomes the first beer a potential customer samples, and he or she bases your entire offering on that one failed attempt and decides not to risk further nausea. That's why I try to sample at least two brews from every new brewery, just in case I picked up the Stephen in their Baldwin family.

And then, of course, there are terrible breweries. With this in mind, I give you....Faxe.

Faxe, from Denmark, has been around the LCBO since before most of you started drinking. It's always there, usually accompanied with about four or five of its siblings, staring at you from underneath his Dread Helmet of Ragnarok. He seems to know that you are a teenage boy, who is just starting drinking and wants something "bad-ass" and foreign to bring over to his friend's house whose parents happen to be out of town. "Fucking eh, Viking beer!" he'll say.


This, in a nutshell, is Faxe's target demographic. Why else would their brewery boldly proclaim the awesome pwnage their brew can inflict with their unnecessarily large 10% ALCOHOL, BITCHES!! label? No other brewer does this. Alcohol content is not a selling feature for most brews; given our culture's (unjustified) obsession with light beer and (justified) concern with impaired driving, few consumers are out there with the goal to pick up the strongest beer available. Except, of course, teenagers and douchebags.

Still, I naively thought to myself, maybe there's something more to Faxe. Maybe, behind their Berzerker marketing strategy are some drinkable brews.

I was wrong.

Beer: Faxe Extra Strong
Type: strong lager
ABV: it's difficult to make out...could they have made it bigger? possibly using sparkles and neon lights?



This beer is apparently very popular for teenagers in Europe whose goal is to get completely wasted as quickly as possible. "Ask, and ye shall receive," the beer gods did proclaim...

Surprisingly, the brew doesn't look half bad. A medium- golden hue, with a good, sturdy head and lots of lacing. A great deal of visible carbonation, however. The compliments end here....

The nose is truly awful. There are two things, and two things only to be detected here: alcohol and sugar. There might, might, be some pale malts in the background, but I'd be stretching. It's like smelling a beer-flavoured jello shooter.

The taste is terribly similar. A retch-inducing combination of sugar and alcohol that has completely brushed aside any and all attempts at balance and flavour. Somewhere in the back is a bit of maltiness and fruit, but generally, all I can taste is booze. I have had 12-15% brews with far less perceptible alcohol than this. It tastes like some kid dumped half a bottle of Bacardi into his beer; that's how disgusting it is. (Michelle could barely smell this stuff, and wisely didn't deign to sample it)

Over-carbonated all to hell, all part of the plan to get you drunk as quick as possible. The body is thick and syrupy.

This beer was so revolting, I couldn't finish it. That's right kids: for the first time on this Beer Blog, I poured the rest of the beer down the sink. In the beer-hunting community, this is called a "drain pour", and it is the absolute worst insult imaginable one could heave upon a beer. I could finish Schlitz and Busch light because, though they were awful, were generally flavourless and didn't upset my stomach. This brew, however, was absolutely undrinkable. (It also currently holds the second lowest score on my beeradvocate list, just above Berthold Keller Lager, a foul abomination in the eyes of God...) (Grade: D-)

Sadly, I still had another can of Faxe rotgut in the house. Here we go....

Beer: Faxe Amber
Type: amber-red lager
ABV: not so ridiculously advertised. It's 4.6%.

Poured into a lager glass. A fine amber hue with a thin white head that dissolved completely. No ring, no lacing. And it begins...

Nose is pretty forgettable: malts, a hint of sweetness, tin. Normally, there should be some caramel, hops, maybe some spices. Nothing of the sort here.

Despite this, truth be told, it actually doesn't taste that bad. It's boring, but I can drink it. Pale malts, a bit of sweetness and spice near the end. Generally, the finish is pretty weak and the whole thing is painfully dull. There are literally dozens of amber beers available in the LCBO that I would drink before Faxe Amber, but at the very least, I could finish this brew. (Grade: C-)


So, lesson learned. I gave Faxe two attempts to please me and they failed catastrophically on both. I'm sure some of their other brews will at least be drinkable, but I only have so much patience for mediocre beer. Why waste 2 bucks to find out? I hopefully will never have to drink a Faxe again, and I encourage the rest of you to do the same....

The Ring Came Off My Pudding Can!

Beer: Ochakovo - Lager Premium

Brewery: Ochakovo (Moscow)

Type: pale lager

ABV: 4.5%

Despite seeming to be a bit of a beer snob, I actually ask very little of the beers I drink.  Namely:

-I expect them to be somewhat drinkable.

-I expect them to have a bit of alcohol in them.

-I also expect to be able to open the damned thing.

Apparently, the latter novel drinking concept didn't go over well at any of the Ochakovo brewery meetings:

Beer Executive #1: So, we've got to send out premium lager for export to North America. Any thoughts on how we should bottle it?

Beer Executive #2: How about if we put it in an unnecessarily-tall bottle...

BE#1: Right, right. Go on...

BE#2: And then we put our brewery logo on a twist off cap for easy drinking!

BE#3, awakening from stupor: Easy drinking? Fuck that! (takes another long swig from his vodka bottle) We've got to make the West pay for what they've done to Mother Russia. Dosvedanya! Vladimir Putin! (hurls on floor)

BE#2: But our sales will decline!

BE#3: Never! Those stupid bastards will buy our beer because it's foreign; they don't care what's in it! If we really want to clamp some balls, we'll put a ring on the top that's difficult to open! Then they will feel Mother Russia's sting!

BE#2: But we'll piss off the Canadians!

BE#3: Two words: Sidney Crosby.

BE#2: Fuck 'em.

BE#1: Da.

Clearly, this bottle opening design is some sort of cruel, Russian joke. I couldn't make heads or tails of it: do I pull the key up and rip it off, or turn it sidewards and twist it around? There was, of course, a helpful picture diagram to help me figure it out, drawn with all the care and attention to detail of an Ikea instruction manual. So basically, I was fucked.  I ripped the damn ring off and threw it away in disgust, cursing Boris Spassky while I did it. I almost gave up all hope, until I channelled my inner Lyle Lanley and stabbed the bottle with my penknife. The beer was successfully opened; the penknife was immediately promoted to Field Marshall.

Phil Hartman continues to enrich our lives with each passing day...

So, I finally got the damn beer open. Turns out, the ring wasn't sent there to annoy me. It was sent there to warn me.

What a boring brew this was.

After opening, Ochakovo lager poured an aggressively boring light golden, with about a 1/2 inch of head that died almost on impact. Poor retention, no lacing. Hardly any visible carbonation. As visually appealing as a Stalin-era apartment complex. Somewhere, Vladimir Putin is laughing at me while doing lines off of a hooker's stomach while hunting that most dangerous game.....Man.

The nose isn't bad for a Euro-style lager: malty and hoppy, with notes of lemon, biscuits and spice.

The taste was also hoppy and biscuity, with that lemon zing kicking around near the back, but the whole experience was overlaid with a skunky, watery taste. Kind of like eating a great sandwich on stale bread, the skunkiness ruined any positive assets this beer brought forward. To no one's surprise, the mouthfeel was watery and the carbonation lacking. (Grade: D)

Unlike Frodo, I should have listened to the whisperings of this ring: "Don't drink me....don't drink me...." It would have saved me a great deal of hardship and a lengthy paddle down the River Anduin. The whole experience has left me fairly bummed, and a little pissed at Russia, which isn't fair, because I know Russian beers can be better than this. These guys were the reason, after all, for the growth in popularity of one of my favorite beer styles: Russian Imperial Stout. 

I'm going to assume that for me to truly get to experience the Russian beer scene, a trip to Eurasia is probably in order, because between Ochakovo and Baltika (the only offerings at the LCBO), there's not much to go on.

Double Review: Two Boring Lagers!, or: Trust Your Instincts!

Whenever I hit up the old LCBO (at least once a week if not more), there's always a good chance that I'll walk past a beer that I won't buy, even though I've never had it before and I have no justifiable reason for avoiding it. I just...don't want to buy it. Just by looking at the brew, I assume it's going to be awful, so I walk on by to greener pastures. Every once in a while, though, some of my synapses fire a little differently and my what-the-hell section of the brain decides to give that beer a go. "Even though it looks like just your average, run of the mill pale lager, maybe it'll be good!", it'll say. "Shut up," you'll respond. But eventually, you cave.

Here are two fine examples of why your what-the-hell region doesn't know what the hell it's talking about.

Beer: Tecate
Brewery: Cuauhtemoc Moctezuma (Mexico, obviously)
Type: adjunct lager
ABV: 4.5%


After spending a week at a Mexican resort drinking nothing but Dos Equis (the only brew they had), I figured I'd try another Mexican brew to provide a comparison. Except they're from the same brewery...damn it.

Tecate pours a light golden, with a thin, fizzy head that dissolves almost immediately. No lacing, no ring. Brilliant...

The nose is slightly better than most macros, and certainly better than Dos Equis. A bit of malt character with floral hops near the back. The taste is but a muted version of the nose. A bit more character than some, but still incredibly boring. Light malts, a bit of hops, slightly bitter finish. Bland, but drinkable. Certainly tastes better poured out than in the can. Although its watery, the carbonation isn't ridiculously spritzy, which is a plus for me. Pound-backable.

I can barely tell the difference between Tecate and other brews of the style, including Dos Equis. Not worth it. I suppose I'd give this one a slight edge, but if you're going to drink it, do it quickly and make sure it's cold.

Next....

Beer: Lech (it even sounds awful...)
Brewery: Lech (Poland)
Type: pale lager
ABV: 5.2%

Apparently, this is one of the best-selling beers in Poland. It's always nice to know that Europeans are just as capable of drinking mass-produced swill as we are...

I'd show you a picture of a poured-out pint, but I never took one because it looks EXACTLY THE FUCKING SAME AS TECATE.

Pale golden colour, about a half inch head that dissolved entirely within about 40 seconds. No head or lacing whatsoever.

I could hardly detect a nose - light hops and malts, that's about it. Smells like a Euro lager.

The taste was very bland, with a touch of hops near the finish, but otherwords very ordinary pale lager flavor. Inoffensive, but incredibly boring. This brew was tough to finish, knowing I had far better beers tempting me from the fridge. Mouthfeel is thin, spritzy carbonation.

So there you have it. Two boring lagers that don't offer anything but a carbonated means to get you drunk, and there are much tastier and more satisfying ways to achieve this noble aim.

Avoid. Tecate gets a slight edge for being boring, but not bland. (Grade: Tecate: C; Lech: C-)

The Great Mediocre Beer Experiment, Volume III: Tastes Just Like It Sounds

Beer: Schlitz Genuine Gold
Brewery: Schlitz (Originally Milwaukee, now Woodridge Illinois)
Type: adjunct lager
ABV: 5%

Part of the hold up on the Great Beer Experiment has been trying to find singles of all the different beers I want to try, 'cause I'm not buying 6-packs of this crap. I was fortunate to come across a random single of Schlitz, waiting sadly in the Aisle of Misfit Beers for someone to put it out of its misery. I was that someone. Then it turns out, this isn't actually Schlitz's flagship brand, it's an export version for Canada and brewed by Stroh's in Guelph.

It also turns out that this beer is just...awful. I'll try to find a bottle or can of genuine Schlitz lager, but for now...ugh...

Poured a very light golden into a pilsner glass. A very thin head (survived as a thin ring), remarkably a couple flecks of lacing. Visible, fizzy carbonation. Doesn't look too bad.

The smell is predictably boring. Corn, light malts, sugar, tin.

The taste is all kinds of bland. A kind of soul-crushing blandness that, suffice to say, makes for a bland experience. My heart is starting to hurt because of all the bland. The tinny, chemical taste becomes more potent as you work your way through it.

Mouthfeel is thin, watery, with spritzy carbonation.

This is one of the most boring beers I've ever had. Awful beer, at the very least, has flavour. This is....just...nothing. There is exactly nothing to this beer. I can't describe it, because to describe something, it needs to have qualities. Buddhists could use 'describing Schlitz' as a meditative technique.

Here's an experiment that will show you what I mean: Describe the taste of water to me. Just an ordinary glass of tap water. Or Dasani, it doesn't matter. You can't do it can you? That's what drinking Schlitz Genuine Gold is like. You know something should be in there, but your tastebuds simply can't find it. This is what they drink on the Neutral Planet.

Pictured: Schlitz' target demographic. Tell them I say...hello.

This is just watered down beer substance. At least Coors Light has less calories (I think).

Damnit, Schlitz! You made me recommend Coors Light!

Fuck....

Avoid the Noid. Also this beer.

Beer: Wells IPA
Brewery: Wells and Young's (Bedford, England)
Type: "IPA"
ABV: 5%

Maybe my palate is getting more refined, or perhaps I'm just getting more snooty in my years, but I distinctly remember liking this beer last time I had it. It certainly fit the bill of my typical drinking fare in my late undergrad/early master's years - English, IPA, badass logo. In either case, on a recent trip to the LCBO I needed one more can to fill my 8 pack and thought I'd give it another go. Wells and Young's also happens to produce one of my favorite brews of all time - Young's Double Chocolate Stout - so I figured their other stuff should be reasonably good.

I guess memory didn't serve too well.

Wells IPA started off on good footing: it poured a dark amber hue, almost dark ale-ish, but certainly not outside the boundaries of the IPA style. Left a generous head, which had remarkable staying power and left a good amount of lacing.

And that's about all the positives for this beer that I can muster. The nose is unpleasant and off-putting. Very tinny and metallic. I'm very aware that this brew came from a can, is how I'd describe it. Like saplings in the rainforest, the hop character of this brew is overshadowed by the unpleasant tinny canopy of awfulness. Not only is this brew not smelling right, it's not demonstrating any of the usual characteristics of IPAs.

The taste isn't much better. The malts come through very strongly at first, and then it's all tin. Another BeerAdvocate review described the flavor as bloodlike, and I very much agree; you can almost taste the hemoglobin. The finish is metallic and bitter. Very little to speak of in terms of hop character (no usual suspects of tart citrus or spicy resin), and for an IPA, that's a bad thing. Unpleasant, and hard to finish.

A very disappointing brew, and one I certainly will avoid in the future and will caution you to do the same. There are much better IPA's out there, mostly from the States but a few solid Canadian ones, that taste a great deal better (i.e., not like you're drinking a beer after having badly cut your gums). Don't bother on this one, folks. (Grade: D)

You Can't Spell Czechoslovakia without Slovakia!

Beer: Zlaty Bazant (Golden Pheasant)
Brewery: Pivovar Zlaty Bazant (Slovakia)
Type: Pilsner
ABV: 5%

The first in my series of "difficult to pronounce" beers!

It's been 16 years since Slovakia left the supergroup Czechoslovakia to pursue a solo career, and so far, they've been doing pretty okay!


Er, that is to say, I guess so.

Truth be told, I don't really know a whole lot about Slovakia. I know they have a decent hockey team, their football team is in the World Cup, and that their name sounds suspiciously like Slovenia, thus giving American geography students all the more reason to stress out. I also know that they probably have a love-hate relationship with the Czechs. Like Oates, Slovakia continues to play second-fiddle to the Hall that is the Czech Republic. (I always kind of liked Oates...) Czech beer continues to be rated as among the world's best (they are, of course, home of the "pilsner", first brewed in the city of Pils by Josef Groll in 1842), but whither Slovakian beer?

Let's find out with the first of many Slovakian beers on Matt's Slovakian Beer Tour 2009!

Actually, the LCBO only carries one.

Actually, it's not that great.

Golden Pheasant is a typical Czech-style pilsner, which is characterized by being clear, golden, and well-hopped. You can probably find it with ease at your nearest LCBO - it's

usually found near some other reasonably-priced Eastern European lagers, except this one is pronounceable.

It pours a nice, clear golden, without much sign of visible carbonation. A fair-sized head results, which hangs around for a few minutes. Pretty good, I'd say. A bit of lacing, but not much.

The smell is typical for the pilsner style. Hops, straw and bread. Some people find the straw (or hay or barley, whatever your poison) nose a bit off-putting, but that's what pilsners tend to smell like. Nothing spectacular.

The taste is also decent. Fairly hoppy up front, some malts and spiciness near the back. To its credit, Golden Pheasant is surprisingly smooth, and certainly goes down easy. I can see myself drinking a few of these on a hot day.

So why did I initially say "not that great"? Cause it ain't. It does what most pilsners set out to do: it's hoppy, crisp, and refreshing. But holy crap, is it boring! Golden Pheasant is not a beer I particularly enjoyed sipping; it's meant to be consumed when you need a beer, dammit! I'm sure if the weather is hot, this beer will go down well, because that's what it's designed for.

But there are many other pilsners out there that do the job better, whether it be Czech classics like Pilsner Urquell or Staropramen, or more local fare like Prima Pils and Steam Whistle. So is it a bad beer? No. Is it worth your time? Probably not. (Grade: C+)