Thursday, March 4, 2010

The Great Mediocre Beer Experiment, Volume III: Tastes Just Like It Sounds

Beer: Schlitz Genuine Gold
Brewery: Schlitz (Originally Milwaukee, now Woodridge Illinois)
Type: adjunct lager
ABV: 5%

Part of the hold up on the Great Beer Experiment has been trying to find singles of all the different beers I want to try, 'cause I'm not buying 6-packs of this crap. I was fortunate to come across a random single of Schlitz, waiting sadly in the Aisle of Misfit Beers for someone to put it out of its misery. I was that someone. Then it turns out, this isn't actually Schlitz's flagship brand, it's an export version for Canada and brewed by Stroh's in Guelph.

It also turns out that this beer is just...awful. I'll try to find a bottle or can of genuine Schlitz lager, but for now...ugh...

Poured a very light golden into a pilsner glass. A very thin head (survived as a thin ring), remarkably a couple flecks of lacing. Visible, fizzy carbonation. Doesn't look too bad.

The smell is predictably boring. Corn, light malts, sugar, tin.

The taste is all kinds of bland. A kind of soul-crushing blandness that, suffice to say, makes for a bland experience. My heart is starting to hurt because of all the bland. The tinny, chemical taste becomes more potent as you work your way through it.

Mouthfeel is thin, watery, with spritzy carbonation.

This is one of the most boring beers I've ever had. Awful beer, at the very least, has flavour. This is....just...nothing. There is exactly nothing to this beer. I can't describe it, because to describe something, it needs to have qualities. Buddhists could use 'describing Schlitz' as a meditative technique.

Here's an experiment that will show you what I mean: Describe the taste of water to me. Just an ordinary glass of tap water. Or Dasani, it doesn't matter. You can't do it can you? That's what drinking Schlitz Genuine Gold is like. You know something should be in there, but your tastebuds simply can't find it. This is what they drink on the Neutral Planet.

Pictured: Schlitz' target demographic. Tell them I say...hello.

This is just watered down beer substance. At least Coors Light has less calories (I think).

Damnit, Schlitz! You made me recommend Coors Light!

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